The Testimony

The Testimony

In the beginning they called me Little Janie. I have four brothers and three sisters. I am named after my mother and grandmother. 

My mother was a woman with many regrets and few answers. I am convinced that she died with out ever fully understanding what she could have done differently. She died alone at the age of fifty four, I believe that she died of a broken heart.

I am reminded of a quote by Norman Cousins; “Death itself is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies within us as we live”.

I recall vividly a childhood defined by poverty. We never had enough of anything.
I was a quite child; keeping to myself. I was sensitive and extremely shy.

I remember picking wild flowers and talking to God; back then whispering to God was a lot like most of us would talk to a dear friend.

At the age of eleven I went to live with my sister and her husband and their two toddler children. Shortly after, I was robbed of my innocents....

Not yet twelve and seeking a safe place to stay. I moved from New York to California to live with my oldest sister and her husband and three children.

  A few months later I moved with my sister and her family from California to Florida.

It was Christmas Eve night when I awoke to someone touching me, seeing only shadows......

Speaking  into the darkness, my voice ringing with a strength I did not feel, I exclaimed; “I do not care who you are just leave this room and leave me alone”. the shadow dropping to the floor and crawling to the door.

The squeaking of a door, followed by a faint light as it casts its glow upon the figure of a naked man... I watched as my sister’s husband crawled from the room. I was shaking and crying softly, feeling alone and confused. I whispered to God, or perhaps only to myself; “Is their no safe place?”

I was all of twelve years old when I met Chucke. He was two weeks out of the federal penitentiary and twenty years my senior. He offered me a ride, my name would become Baby Jane for the next five or so years.

 I had my fourteenth birthday in a bar, and every birthday until I turned twenty- two would be in a bar.

There is something very difficult about knowing the whole world can openly see you for what you are. It was hard to accept that what I was; was unacceptable. Memories of dark smoked filled places plagued my soul, a sea of countless, nameless faces. Faces that the darkness some how only seemed to intensify. Leering, laughing, lusting, mocking, distorted mounds of flesh, that in the light of day some how become normal everyday husbands, lawyers, doctors and deacons.

There was a period of my life in the haze of all this madness that I willfully participated in things that previously were forced upon me. I believe that deep down I was on a quest to destroy myself. I remember being angry at God. I felt robbed, cheated, and violated. I am not sure if these feelings all came at once or if it was with each new endeavor to drown, to run, too hide. 

I eventually found the courage, strength, gumption, common sense, what ever you want to call it and separated my self from Chucke. He took a bus to Mississippi . He met and married an eighteen year old , had a baby and then drowned in the Mississippi river all with in the same year.

I on the other hand was seventeen feeling like I had survived some horrible tragedy. It was not until years later that I would think to take an inventory to be sure I had all the parts left to function normally.

I was nineteen when my family contacted me in Dallas Texas to inform me of my mother’s death. It was upon the reflection of my mother’s life that I suddenly developed a thirst for the truth.
Through a series of events that undeniable trace the hand of God; I found my self reading the bible.

My first scripture was in Corinthians; “One may plant and one may water, but only God can make it grow” (loosely translated). I remember feeling relieved. Thinking that what I just read implied that all of this was in God’s hands.

In the beginning, reading God’s word was a lot like standing on the outside of a beautiful house peeking through a window, watching; fascinated by the lives within. I longed to be in that beautiful house, to come home to such a place, to belong.

My thirst for God and my quest for the truth brought me to the Holy Land . I was twenty two years old as I stood on the Mount of Olives ; recalling a time that I stood on Hollywood and Vine. On this day God’s word for me began its transformation from that beautiful house I longed to be inside of, to a loving, merciful God that was heart broken over my absence.

I was baptized at the Jordon River on the way to Galilee . My baptism for me was the first step toward God. It was in my heart of hearts that I saw myself standing at the river’s edge, as the waters of my life raged by. I looked across this chasm that seemingly was beyond human possibilities to cross and with the eyes of my heart saw the Lord inviting me, “drawing me near” whispering my name, urging me to trust.
I am reminded of the following scriptures:
John 6: 44
“No one can come to me unless the father who sent me draws him”.
John 10:27-28
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me; and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand”.

It was a few months after taking that first step toward the Lord; when I discovered the bridge that God had provided for me to get from where I was to an intimate meaningful relationship with Himself.
It was the cross.
“For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. Colossians 1: 19-23
“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly”. “God demonstrated his love for us in this; while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”. Romans 5:6; 8

I was invited to a small country church service. I felt uncomfortable. Inside the feelings of being different from every one else were raging strong. They all looked like such good people they could never understand how God could ever love someone like me. My thoughts rapidly did battle with the gospel being preached I was so convinced I would be rejected I could not publicly go forward.
A man was invited to the pulpit, he shared his testimony. He was a missionary from Africa . He had a story not unlike that of my own. I started thinking if God would transform his life then maybe there was hope for me.
Alone, that night in my car, I gave my heart to Jesus. He took all the pieces that were left of me and began the process of making me whole and complete in him.
“If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord”, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame”. Romans 10: 9-11
“Therefore if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”. 2Corinthians 5; 17
The night I gave my life to Jesus was almost thirty years ago and a lot has happened.

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18;  Nothing that has ever happened in my life could keep me from God’s unfailing love.
“No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans 8:37

I was blessed to be in a wonderful church and the Lord surrounded me with beautiful Christian people that became the model of a healthy family.
The relationships we shared with one another is best reflected in the following; taken from a book of poetry given to me by a sweet lady the Lord brought into my life. “She listened with her whole heart, as I had known she would, and then she said softly, when you cry I taste the salt”. This relationship introduced to me the notion of true intimacy. She walked with me to the darkest places inside my soul and afterwards as I looked at her I could only see the love of Jesus reflected back at me. Then the Lord brought My dear husband Stephen into my life. We were married in June of 98.
I will share briefly from our vows; “From deep within I heard a whisper of certainty, a melody without words. You are the one; it sings to my soul. Your smile alone reaches me in places I’ve never known. My hope is in God, that his love will carry us through. It is my prayer that our love will not only endure, but grow with the many tests of time. My desire will be for you Stephen, my husband, and no higher calling could I find”.
Shortly after our marriage I became a minister’s wife.
“And we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28;

Upon learning that only a few months into our marriage I had conceived and was losing the life that struggled to live within me, my spirit was crushed.
Stephen was at my side the whole time, he prayed with me, he cried with me; but it was when he washed my hair that something inside of me broke. God was, loving me through my husband in a way I had never experienced, taking another horrific moment in my life and holding me close.

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly” John10:10
“Praise be; to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows”. 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5

I have shared my heart with all of you today because I want each of you to know how precious God’s thoughts are toward you. I want you to see that God is still a God of miracles, a God of mercy.
“For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Who ever believes, in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already”. John 3: 17-18

My story is not uncommon; we live in a fallen, depraved world. All of us fall short of the glory of God and his righteousness.

John 4: 4-42 is the story about the woman at the well. It speaks of the many Samaritan’s believing in Jesus because of the woman who testified “come and meet the man who told me all I ever did; could this be the Messiah”? But it also says that many more believed because of; His own word. They said; “For we have heard Him ourselves and know that indeed he is the Christ, the savior of the world”

 I tell you my story for the same reason the woman at the well told hers; so that you might believe, so that you might see and hear for yourselves.......